The Gracie Allen Murder Case Read online

  Vance set down his liqueur glass, and a whimsical expression came into his eyes.

  “But I say, Markham,” he drawled, “it would be a waste of time and energy, no matter what the outcome. Ah, your precious law, and its prissy procedure! How you Solons complicate the simple things of life! Even if this red-tailed hawk with the operatic name should appear among his olden haunts and be snared in the Sergeant’s seine, you would still treat him kindly and caressingly under the euphemistic phrase, ‘due process of law.’ You’d coddle him no end. You’d take all possible precautions to bring him in alive, although he himself might blow the brains out of a couple of the Sergeant’s confrères. Then you’d lodge and nourish him well; you’d drive him through town in a high-powered limousine; you’d give him a pleasant scenic trip back to Nomenica. And all for what, old dear? For the highly questionable privilege of supportin’ him elegantly for life.”

  Markham was obviously nettled.

  “I suppose you could settle the whole situation with a lirp.”

  “It could be, don’t y’ know.” Vance was in one of his tantalizing moods. “Here’s a worthless johnnie who has long been a thorn in the side of the law; who has, as you jolly well know, killed a man and been convicted accordingly; who has engineered a lawless prison break costing two more lives; who has promised to murder you in cold blood; and who is even now deprivin’ the Sergeant of his slumber. Not a nice person, Markham. And all these irregularities might be so easily and expeditiously adjusted by shooting the johnnie on sight, or otherwise disposing of him quickly, without ado or chinoiserie.”

  “And I suppose”—Markham spoke almost angrily—“that you yourself would be willing to undertake this illegal purge.”

  “Willing?” There was a teasing tone in Vance’s voice. “I’d be positively delighted. My good deed for that day.”

  Markham puffed vigorously at his cigar. He was always irritated when Vance’s persiflage took this line.

  “Deliberately taking a human life, Vance—”

  “Please spare me the logion, Reverend Doctor. I know the answer. With Society and Law and Order singing the Greek chorus a capella. But you must admit my suggested solution is logical, practical, and just.”

  “We’ve gone into that sophistry before,” snapped Markham. “And furthermore, I’m not going to let you spoil my dinner with such nonsensical chatter.”

  * Sergeant Ernest Heath, of the Homicide Bureau, who had been in charge of other cases which Vance had investigated.

  * Nomenica, southwest of Buffalo, was the westernmost State prison in New York.

  CHAPTER TWO

  A Rustic Interlude

  (Saturday, May 18; afternoon.)

  THE NEXT DAY, shortly after noon, we met Markham in his dingy private office overlooking the Tombs. Ordinarily the District Attorney’s office was closed at this hour on Saturdays, but Markham was in the meshes of a trying political tangle and wished to see the affair settled as soon as possible.

  “I’m deuced sorry, don’t y’ know,” said Vance, “that you must slave on an afternoon like this. I was hoping you might be persuaded to come for a drive over the countryside.”

  “What!” exclaimed Markham in mock surprise. “Are you succumbing to your natural impulses? Don’t tell me Mother Nature’s sirenical tones can sway a hothouse sybarite like yourself! Why not have Van lash you to the mast in true Odyssean manner?”

  “No. I find myself actually longin’ for the spell of an Ogygian isle with citron scent and cedar-sawn—”

  “And perhaps a wood-nymph like Calypso.”

  “My dear Markham! Really, now!” Vance pretended indignation. “No—oh, no. I merely plan a bit of gambolin’ in the Bronx greenery.”

  “I see that the clear-toned Sirens of the flowered fields have snared you.” Markham’s smile was playfully derisive. “If Heath’s ominous dream is fulfilled we’ll later be steering a stormy course between Scylla and Charybdis.”

  “One never knows, does one? But should it come to pass, I trust no man shall be caught from out our hollow ship by the voracious Scylla.”

  “For Heaven’s sake, Vance, don’t be so gloomy. You’re talking utter nonsense.”

  (I particularly remember this bit of classical repartee which certainly would not have found its way into this record, had it not been that it proved curiously prophetic, even to the scent of citron and the Messina monster’s cave.)

  “And I suppose,” suggested Markham, “you’ll do your gamboling in immaculate attire. I somehow can’t picture you in vagabondian trappings.”

  “You’re quite wrong,” said Vance. “I shall don a rugged old tweed suit—the most ancient bit of coverin’ I possess… But tell me, Markham, how goes it with the zealous Sergeant and his premonitions?”

  “Oh, I suppose he’s gone ahead with his useless arrangements.” Markham spoke with indifference. “But if poor Hennessey has to invite strabismus for very long I’ll have more to fear from him in the way of retribution than from Mr. Beniamino Pellinzi… I don’t quite understand Heath’s sudden case of jitters over my safety.”

  “Stout fella, Heath.” Vance studied the ash on his cigarette with a hesitant smile. “Fact is, Markham, I intend to partake of Mirche’s expensive hospitality tonight myself.”

  “You too!… You’re actually going to the Domdaniel tonight?”

  “Not in the hope of encounterin’ your friend the Buzzard,” replied Vance. “But Heath has stirred my curiosity. I should like to take a closer look at the incredible Mr. Mirche. I’ve seen him before, of course, at his hospice, but I’ve never really paid attention to his features. And I could bear a peep—from the outside only, of course—at this mysterious office which has so fretted the Sergeant’s imagination… And there’s always the chance a little excitement may ensue when the early portentous shadows of the mysterious night—”

  “Come, come, Vance. You sound like a penny dreadful. What arrière pensée is being screened by this smoke of words?”

  “If you really must know, Markham, the food is excellent at the Domdaniel. I was merely tryin’ to hide a gourmet’s yearnin’…”

  Markham snorted, and the talk shifted to a discussion of other matters, interrupted now and then by telephone calls. When Markham had completed his arrangements for the afternoon and evening, he ushered us out through the judges’ private chambers and down to the street.

  After a brief lunch we drove Markham back to his office, and then headed uptown to Vance’s apartment. Here Vance changed his suit for the old disreputable tweed, and put on heavier boots and a soft well-worn Homburg hat. Then we went out again to his Hispano-Suiza, and in an hour’s time we were driving leisurely along Palisade Avenue in the Riverdale section of the Bronx.

  Both sides of the road were thickly grown with trees and shrubs. The fragrance of spring flowers hung in the air, and we caught a fleck of bright color now and then. On our left, beyond an unbroken steel-mesh fence, a gentle slope dipped to the Hudson. On the right the ground rose more abruptly, so that the rough stone wall did not shut off the prospect.

  At the top of a slight incline, just where the road swung inland, Vance turned off the roadway, and brought the car to a gentle stop.

  “This, I think, would be an ideal spot for minglin’ with the flora and communin’ with nature.”

  Except for the fence on the river side, and the stone wall, perhaps five feet high, along the inner border of the road, we were, to all appearances, on a lonely country road. Vance crossed the broad and shaded grassy strip that stretched like a runner of green carpet between the roadway and the wall. He clambered up the stone enclosure, beckoning me to do likewise as he disappeared in the lush rustic foliage on the farther side.

  For over an hour we trudged back and forth through the woods, and then, as we suddenly came face to face with the stone enclosure again, Vance reluctantly looked at his watch.

  “Almost five,” he said. “We’d better be staggerin’ home, Van.”

  I
preceded him to the roadway, and started slowly back toward the car. A large automobile, running almost noiselessly, suddenly came round the turn. I stopped as it sped by, and watched it disappear over the edge of the hill. Then I continued in the direction of our own car.

  After a few steps, I became aware of a young woman standing near the wall, well back from the roadway, in a secluded grassy bower. She was shaking the front of her skirt nervously and with marked agitation, and was stamping one foot in the soft loam. She looked perturbed and displeased, and as I drew nearer I saw that on the front of her flimsy summer frock there was an inch-wide burnt hole.

  As a vexed exclamation escaped her, Vance leaped—or, I should say, fell—from the wall behind her. His heel caught in the crude masonry, and as he strove to regain his balance, a sharp projection of the plaster tore the sleeve of his coat. The unexpected commotion startled the young woman anew, and she turned, inquisitively alert.

  She was a petite creature, and gracefully animated, with a piquant oval face and regular, sensitive features. Her eyes were large and brown, with extremely long lashes curling over them. A straight and slender nose lent dignity and character to a mouth made for smiling. She was slim and supple, and seemed to fit in perfectly with her pastoral surroundings.

  “My word!” murmured Vance, looking down at her. “That wasn’t a very graceful entry into your arbor. Please forgive me if I frightened you.”

  The girl continued to stare at him distrustfully, and as I looked at Vance again I could well understand her reaction. He was quite disheveled; his shoes and trousers were generously spattered with mud; his hat was crushed and grotesquely awry; and his torn coat-sleeve looked like that of some roving mendicant.

  In a moment the girl smiled.

  “Oh, I’m not frightened,” she assured him in a musical voice which had a very youthful engaging timbre. “I’m just angry. Terribly angry. Were you ever angry?… But I’m not angry with you, for I don’t even know you… Maybe I would be angry with you if I knew you… Did you ever think of that?”

  “Yes—yes. Quite often.” Vance laughed and removed his hat: immediately he looked far more presentable. “And I’m sure you’d be entirely justified, too… By the by, may I sit down? I’m beastly tired, don’t y’ know.”

  The girl looked quickly up the road, and then seated herself rather abruptly, much as a child might throw herself carelessly on the ground.

  “That would be wonderful. I’ll read your palm. Have you ever had your palm read? I’m very good at it. Delpha taught me all the lines. Delpha knows all about the hands, and the stars, and lucky numbers. She’s a fortune-teller. And she’s psychic, too. Just like me. I’m psychic. Are you psychic? But maybe I can’t concentrate today.” Her voice took on a mystic quality. “Some days, when I’m feeling in tune, I could tell you how old you are and how many children you have…”

  Vance laughed, and seated himself beside her.

  “But really, y’ know, I don’t think I could bear to learn such staggerin’ facts about myself just now…”

  Vance took out his cigarette case and opened it slowly.

  “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I smoked,” he said ingratiatingly, holding out the case to her; but receiving only a giggle and a shake of the head, he lighted one of his Régies for himself.

  “But I’m awfully glad you mentioned cigarettes,” the girl said. “It reminds me how mad I was.”

  “Oh, yes.” Vance smiled indulgently. “But won’t you tell me at whom you were so angry?”

  She squinted at the cigarette between his fingers.

  “I don’t know now,” she answered with slight confusion.

  “By Jove, that’s unfortunate. Maybe it was me you were angry at all the time?”

  “No, it wasn’t you—at least, I didn’t think it was you. Now I’m not so sure. At first I thought it was somebody in a big car that just went by—”

  “And what were you angry about?”

  “Oh, that… Well, look at the front of my new dress here.” She spread the skirt about her. “Do you see that big burnt hole? It’s just ruined. And I simply adore this dress. Don’t you like it?—that is, if it wasn’t burnt? I made it myself—well, anyhow, I told mother how I wanted it made. It made me look awfully cute. And now I can’t wear it any more.” There was real distress in her tone. “Did you throw that lighted cigarette?”

  “What cigarette?” asked Vance.

  “Why, the cigarette that burnt my dress. It’s around here somewhere… Well, anyhow, it was an awfully good shot, especially since you couldn’t see me. And maybe you didn’t even know I was here. And that would make it much harder to hit me, don’t you think?”

  “Yes, I can see your point.” Vance was as much interested as he was amused. “But really, my dear, it must have been some villain in the car—if there was a car.”

  The girl sighed.

  “Well, then,” she murmured with resignation, “I guess it wasn’t you I was mad at. And now I don’t know who it was. And that makes me madder than ever. I’m sure if I was mad at you, you’d do something about it.”

  “Shall we say then, that I’m just as sorry about it as if I had thrown the cigarette?” suggested Vance.

  “But now I don’t know whether you did or not. If you couldn’t see me through the wall, how could I see you?”

  “Irrefragable logic!” Vance returned, adjusting himself to her seemingly fanciful mood. “Therefore, you must permit me to make amends—no matter who the culprit was.”

  “Really,” she said, “I don’t know what you mean.” But a twinkle in her eyes seemed to belie the words.

  “I mean just this: I want you to go down to Chareau and Lyons* and select one of their prettiest frocks—one which will make you look just as cute as this one does.”

  “Oh, I couldn’t afford it!”

  He took out his card case, and, jotting a few words on one of his visiting cards, tucked it beneath the flap of the girl’s handbag which was lying on the grass.

  “You just take that card to Mr. Lyons himself and tell him I sent you.”

  Her eyes beamed gratefully, and she did not protest further.

  “As you quite correctly say,” Vance continued, “you couldn’t see through the wall, and I therefore see no human way of proving that I did not throw the cigarette.”

  “Well, now, that’s settled, isn’t it?” The girl giggled again. “I’m so glad it was you I was mad at for throwing the cigarette.”

  “And so am I,” asserted Vance. “And, incidentally, I also hope you’ll use the same perfume when you wear your new dress. It’s somehow just like the springtime—a ‘delicious scent of citron and orange trees,’ as Longfellow pæaned in his Wayside Inn.”

  “Oh, did he?”

  “By the by, what is it? I don’t recognize it as any of the popular scents.”

  “I don’t know,” the girl replied. “I guess nobody knows. It hasn’t any name. Imagine not having a name! If we didn’t have names we’d get terribly mixed up, wouldn’t we?… It was made specially for me by George—but I suppose I shouldn’t really call him George to strangers. His name is Mr. Burns. I’m his assistant at the In-O-Scent Corporation—that’s a big perfume factory. He’s always mixing different things together and smelling them. That’s his job. He’s very clever too. Only, he’s much too serious. But I don’t think he mixed any citron in it—I really don’t know exactly what citron smells like. I thought it was something you put in cake.”

  “It’s the preserved rind of the citron that goes into cake,” Vance explained. “The oil of citron is quite different. It has the odor of citronella and lemons; and when it is treated with sulphuric acid it even has the odor of violets.”

  “Isn’t that wonderful!” she exclaimed. “Why, you sound just like George. He’s always saying things like that. I’m sure Mr. Burns knows all about it. He gets me so mixed up sometimes, bringing him the right bottles of extracts and essences. And he’s so particular about it. Somet
imes he even says I don’t know how to boil his old flasks and tubes and graduates. Imagine!”

  “But I’m sure,” Vance asserted, “that you brought him the right phials when he prepared the odor you are wearing. And I’m sure one of them contained citron, though it may have had some other name… And speaking of names, is your name, by any chance, Calypso?”

  She shook her head.

  “No, but it’s something almost like that. It’s Gracie Allen.” Vance smiled, and the girl’s chatter took still another direction.

  “But aren’t you going to tell me what you were doing over beyond the wall? You know, that’s private property, and I wouldn’t go in there for anything. It wouldn’t be right. Would it? And anyhow, I don’t know where there’s a gate. But this is nice out here. I’ve come here several times, and yet no one’s ever thrown lighted cigarettes at me before, although I’ve been right in this same spot many times. But I guess everything has to happen the first time sometime. Have you ever thought of that?”

  “Yes—oh, yes. It’s a profound question.” He chuckled. “But aren’t you afraid to come to such an unfrequented spot alone?”

  “Alone?” Again the girl glanced up the road. “I don’t come alone. I generally come with a friend who lives over toward Broadway. His name is Mr. Puttle, and he works in the same business house I do. Mr. Puttle’s a salesman. And Mr. Burns—I told you about him before—was very angry with me for coming out here this afternoon with Mr. Puttle. But he’s always angry when I go anywhere with anybody else, and especially if it’s Mr. Puttle. Don’t you think that’s silly?” She made a self-satisfied moue.

  “And where might Mr. Puttle be now?” asked Vance. “Don’t tell me he’s attempting to sell perfumes along the highways and byways of Riverdale.”

  “Oh, goodness, no! He never works on Saturday afternoons. And neither do I. I really think the brain should have a rest now and then, don’t you?… Oh, you asked me where Mr. Puttle is. Well, I’ll tell you—I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. He’s gone to look for a nunnery.”